What Will You Do When Your Partner Gaslights You?

What Will You Do When Your Partner Gaslights You?

By Brit Morris

If you’re a fan of old movies, you’re already familiar with the concept of gaslighting. It was the title of at least two classic films about a husband who tries to trick his wife into thinking she’s delusional.

More recently, it made the short list for Oxford’s Dictionary Word of the Year 2018, thanks to public dissatisfaction with politicians who stretch the truth.

Unlike the movie couples, your partner probably isn’t trying to have you committed so he can cover up the fact that he murdered your aunt. However, gaslighting can still harm your relationship and self-esteem.

I define gaslighting as someone high jacking your life script. This person tells you how to think, feel and act. Gaslighting is not ok and causes significant harm. Making matters worse gaslighting can be used by a parent, romantic partner, business colleague or friend.

How can you protect yourself if you feel like you’re being undermined?

Try these suggestions for steps to take by yourself to change the way you communicate with this person.

Steps to Take by Yourself:

1. Spot the signs. Gaslighting can involve many different kinds of behavior. This person may make false accusations or tell you that you’re overreacting. They may distort reality and challenge your faith in yourself.

2. Accept your feelings. It’s important to remember that your emotions are natural and valid, especially if this person tends to dismiss them. Practice observing and identifying your feelings without making judgements.

3. Gather documentation. If you think this person is frequently inaccurate or deceptive, keep track of events yourself. You may want to write in a journal or save text messages and other communications.

4. Stay connected. Does this person try to isolate you? Maintain regular contact so you’ll have a strong support network.

5. Evaluate your options. You need to decide if this relationship is healthy for you. This person may be willing and able to change. Otherwise, think about what you want for your future.

6. Build your confidence. Believe in yourself and your abilities. Review your achievements and set meaningful goals. Stand up tall and smile.

Steps to Take with Your Partner, Parent, Business Colleague or friend:

1. Address the issue. Let them know when you feel like you’re being treated unfairly. Advocate for yourself directly and respectfully. State your position and stand firm.

2. Slow down. You’ll be more effective if you can stay calm. Pause if you need time to consider your response. Speak slowly and quietly.

3. Set limits. This person may become defensive or try to change the subject. Tell them that you need to resolve this issue. Try to set healthy boundaries and negotiate conditions that will help both of you to feel understood.

4. Apologize selectively. Do you apologize just to avoid conflicts? Train yourself to save your regrets for situations where you really are at fault. Be consistent with this person so you will know what to expect.

5. Act independently. Gaslighting usually occurs when one person feels significantly less powerful than the other. In reality, you are probably more capable than you think. Take control of your life by strengthening your finances and developing greater resilience.

6. Show empathy. It may help to know that gaslighting says more about this person than it does about you. It could be the only way they know how to deal with stress or a way to hide their own insecurities. You can love them without approving of their behavior.

7. Seek counseling. Be sure you go to a therapist that is trained in narcissistic abuse. Gaslighting can cause significant harm. If this person is unwilling to admit they are gaslighting you and take the proper steps to change their behavior then this relationship is not a healthy relationship and you must take steps to protect yourself.

If you’re concerned about patterns in your relationship that make you doubt yourself, you could be the victim of gaslighting. Stand up for yourself. Take care of you! You may be able to settle your differences more constructively. My Heal from narcissism ecourse can help you understand the signs of emotional abuse and understand if you are a victim of gaslighting and what steps you need to take to take care of you! Gaslighting can cause real harm. We can help you at Healing Life Institute.