A win-win solution to resolve problems once and for all!
By Brit Morris
Conflict and issues are a normal part of life. Follow these steps to address issues with your partner/spouse. A bit of planning and preparation is recommended. Remember that you are looking for a win-win solution.
Preparation
Schedule a time when both of you are free of distractions, alert, and fully attentive.
Prepare for the discussion by making a note with bullet points you want to address.
Enter the conversation with the attitude that you are looking for a win-win solution.
Agree that you will both use ‘I’ messages and active listening – make a cheat sheet, if needed.
Agree on ground rules, ie. if one person begins to escalate or shut down, she or he will call a time out and return 30 minutes to 24 hours later to resume the discussion. Being mindful to handle difficult emotions in positive ways is a game-changer. Feeling frustrated, misunderstood in the midst of conflict is normal. Instead of shutting down or exploding practice giving yourself permission to call a timeout. Tell your partner you are feeling triggered and need to take a time out to collect your thoughts and will resume this conversation when you have clarity.
Practice
Decide who will speak first and who will be the listener. Agree that the listener will not interrupt or respond to comments – only paraphrase what she or he hears (for now). The listener may ask for clarification, if needed. (Did you say...?)
Take turns defining the problem for each perspective.
Take turns discussing the things you must have to resolve the conflict successfully.
When both of you feel understood, take turns talking about any areas of flexibility – negotiate by offering and accepting influence.
Make a list of possible outcomes and solutions.
Discuss these possibilities until you agree on a solution to try. Set a date to evaluate the success of that solution, and tweak as necessary.
Healing thought for you today….
We are created for connection. The greatest gift a lover has to give a lover—is being emotionally attuned and timely, thoughtful responsiveness.
If you are still struggling to resolve issues please reach out to us and one of our therapist can come alongside you and help you resolve conflict in healthy ways.
